


The Acquisition of Lady Fairmane

by ladyhoneydarlinglove



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Gen, Lilith Lavellan, she is my hero, tricksy Lavellan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 14:12:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7364620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyhoneydarlinglove/pseuds/ladyhoneydarlinglove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavellan wants to strike fear into her enemies with dismembered body parts. Josephine puts her foot down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Acquisition of Lady Fairmane

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lavellanpls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavellanpls/gifts).



“ _Inquisitor Lilith Lavellan, what in Andraste’s name do you think you are doing_?” Josephine shrieked from across the courtyard. **  
**

Lilith beamed. “Josie! My darling ambassador, how can I—”

“Do not ‘darling ambassador’ me!” Josephine snapped, stalking over to Lilith, her face growing redder by the second. “And don’t you dare try to charm your way out of this, either! I demand an explanation for… for this!”

She stabbed a shaking finger at the two carts of human remains currently standing by the stables, and the neat little piles into which they were being sorted by Blackwall, Dorian, and Varric. “Oh, this?” Lilith laughed, the picture of innocence. “This is just part of my new project.”

“What. Project.”

“Well, judging by the look on your face I’m guessing Cassandra already told you, even though she promised she wouldn’t.” Lilith sighed dramatically, shaking her head. “It’s like I can’t even trust my friends not to go blabbing about—”

“ _Lilith_.”

“Alright, fine,” Lilith huffed. “If you really want to know, I was trading ghastly tales from history with Dorian and he mentioned that ancient Tevinter cults used to wear the dismembered limbs of their enemies in ceremonies and battles as a way to strike fear into the enemy. And I thought, ‘Holy shit, that’s a great idea, I should totally do that!’ So we went to the Fallow Mire to get some preserved bodies, and now I’m making them into something awe-inspiring. Look!” Lilith held up a carefully crafted assortment of mummified fingers. “This tiara is already almost done!”

Josephine blanched. “Lilith, that is the most—I cannot believe—No! No, I’m sorry Inquisitor, but I must—I must put my foot down!” She drew herself up high, glaring at the Inquisitor with enough stern disapproval to make even Lilith shrink back. “I know you have eccentric and frankly sometimes terrifying taste, and I have put up with your antics until now because they are, for the most part, harmless and admittedly sometimes charming. But this is… The Inquisition has a reputation to maintain, and _this_!” She gestured wildly at the carts of bodies. “This is not in keeping with our reputation! It is morbid and repulsive and I am _drawing a line_ , Inquisitor! You will not be remembered as the mad elf that wore human remains into battle, not if I have anything to say about it!”

“But—”

“I am drawing. A. Line. Inquisitor,” Josephine repeatedly through gritted teeth, and after a brief moment of pouting, Lilith sighed.

“Alright, fine,” she conceded. “If you really think it’ll hurt the Inquisition’s reputation that much, I won’t wear the dismembered limbs of my enemies into battle.”

Josephine heaved an enormous sigh of relief. “Thank you, Lilith. Truly.”

Lilith smiled. “Of course. But can I at least keep Lady Fairmane?”

Josephine blinked. “Who?”

Lilith pointed behind her. Josephine turned around only to shriek at the abomination which had apparently been standing just behind her. “What… What is that?” she gasped, staring in abject horror at the preserved corpse of a dead horse with a sword sticking out of its head that, against all possible logic, was attempting to graze on a patch of clover.

“We’re going with ‘bog unicorn’,” Varric piped up. “It’s absolutely atrocious to look at, but really quite well tempered. Dorian thinks being dead makes it more mellow.”

“Horses wouldn’t have many emotions, you see,” Dorian explained. “So the spirit reanimating it has no strong attachments to help it decide how to act. It just wants to be a horse. Not that I’m advocating for keeping it, mind you. I predict this will end just as terribly as the deepstalker fiasco.”

“Or the dragon eggs,” Blackwall added.

“Or the varghests.”

“Or the—”

“I am well aware of Lilith’s penchant for taking up with violent animals, thank you,” Josephine cut them off. She looked back at the newly named bog unicorn and grimaced, though she had to admit, it didn’t seem nearly as dangerous as some of the other creatures Lilith had smuggled into Skyhold. “You’re quite certain you wish to keep this?” she asked, just in case.

“Absolutely,” Lilith said, clenching her fists in earnest. “She is a majestic steed, robbed of her life too young, waiting to reclaim her moment of glory on the battlefield. I cannot—nay, I will not—deny her.”

“I…” Josephine looked helplessly at Lilith, who stared pleadingly back. Josephine sighed heavily. “I suppose one more unusual creature in your deadly menagerie shouldn’t raise too many eyebrows. But you must promise me you will drop this dismembered limb nonsense at once!”

“Done,” Lilith promised, beaming once more. “I’ll never bring it up again Josie, you have my word.”

Josephine frowned. She couldn’t shake the distinct feeling of being fooled, but considering what she’d gained in the process, she found it difficult to complain. “Very well,” she said after a moment. “Please, get this mess out of the courtyard before anyone else sees. I must strike this… shipment from the records. And find out who else helped you get it here in the first place so they can be dealt with accordingly.”

She left, shaking her head as she went, muttering under her breath about a certain terrible, wonderful elf. The moment Josephine disappeared, Lilith burst into laughter. “Alright assholes, pay up!” she cackled.

“You’re joking,” Dorian gaped. “You said you could get Josephine to agree to the bog unicorn without her freaking out; you nearly gave her a heart attack! You should be paying us!”

“Actually Sparkler, the exact wording you all agreed upon was ‘I bet you a hundred sovereigns I can get Josie to let me keep this without her freaking out about it; it meaning the bog unicorn. Josephine didn’t explicitly lose it over Lady Fairmane, so Killer wins.”

“That’s preposterous! She used diversion and trickery, it’s cheating!”

“There was no part of the bet that said I couldn’t use diversion and trickery,” Lilith smirked. “So I still win. Pay up.”

Dorian groaned, burying his face in his hands. Blackwall shuffled his feet sheepishly. “I… may have been overconfident in my wager,” he admitted. “Is there something I can give you besides coin?”

Lilith heaved a dramatic sigh. “Fine, but only because I am such a just and benevolent harbinger of destruction. You can be responsible for cleaning this shit up.” Lilith banged a fist against one of the carts. “Oh, but keep that pile of fingers right there. No one tell Josephine, but I am finishing this goddamn tiara and it is going to be fucking  _magnificent_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Realized I never posted this to ao3. Honestly I think it is the dumbest thing I have ever written and I am so fucking proud of it.


End file.
